August (my last August with Grant) he shared with me one of his deepest thoughts. I hear his words every day as I try to find less fear in my life… I may have mentioned this quote in a blog many entries ago but as each day goes by I continue to process my thoughts and fears… it’s baby steps.
Grant and I were sitting on the steps at Serenity Village and I was telling him my feelings of fear, relapse, and all that goes along with his disease… I was crazy with fear. I remember the look on his face and how my heart hurt staring into those sad eyes. I remember the tears streaming down his face, his fist clenched over his heart. “Mom, I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid that I may live the rest of my life like this…” Very much like grief addiction never goes away; we just learn to live life the best way possible with it. And somewhere in that mess we must find peace. Grief and addiction, much like other diseases, control you with fear… God doesn’t fill me with fear, earth does. In trusting God I will find the peace that will lead me to fear less.
“Fear never wrote a symphony or poem, negotiated a peace treaty, or cured a disease. Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry. Fear never saved a marriage or a business. Courage did that. Faith did that. People who refused to consult or cower to their timidities did that. But fear itself? Fear herds us into a prison and slams the doors. Wouldn’t it be great to walk out?”
― Max Lucado, Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear
**Thank you Athena for leading me to read this book.
I was reading something about pain and suffering that someone wrote… “I’m more afraid of the pain in living than death.” Those words lead me to thinking a little deeper. Daily I have these thoughts since losing Grant that I’m not afraid to die. I am more afraid of living without Grant than I am of death. I have been promised life after living with pain, suffering, grief. I deeply fear the unknown of how painful life can possibly get. The fear of pain and suffering and the guilty fear of ever being happy again.
I think Grant had an understanding of all of this. Grant knew the Lord… I think better than I did or do. Being a Christian did not make him perfect. He’d be the first to say he was far from being a Boy Scout. I remember a doctor visit like it was yesterday: Grant’s funny humor went right along with the tough stuff. We were with a drug counselor evaluating Grant, after listening carefully Grants reply was simply “Doctor, I don’t know what boy scout camp your from but this is hell.” Grant never stopped seeking help. He never stopped seeking God. He never stopped craving God. I believe addiction made him seek even harder.
Grant was blessed with an amazing upbringing in the church. He had amazing friends, teachers and role models. God put those chosen in his life not to teach him how to live the prefect Christian life but how to feel loved by Christ even on the most unlovable days of life.
Grant was blessed with the perfect Christian role models…. not perfect as in no wrong…. but perfectly imperfect Christians. They were honest with their young class room of boys about their own journey with God and how faith brought them through the tough times. They taught my boy that God is a loving and compassionate God. I know Grant always felt God’s love. He may not have always loved himself but I know he knew he was loved. He knew Steve and I loved him, he knew how loved and adored he was by his 3 sisters and he knew God loved him above all.
I remember when Grant was in 5th or 6th grade Sunday school, he had two male teachers that were very open about their past and how it related to faith. They spoke and ministered to the boys about the mistakes they made in life. How even in the times they drifted away from God he loved them and never left their side. They ministered to those boys in their honesty of being “imperfect” and that God’s love for them was no more or less on the good days or the bad days. These were the teachings that gave my son hope and strengthened him on the weak, dark days of life.
I like that …The Perfectly Imperfect Christian
“Christ-followers contract malaria, bury children, and battle addictions, and, as a result, face fears. It’s not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It’s whom we discover in the storm: an unstirred Christ.” ― Max Lucado, Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear
As I continue this path set before me I walk with a little less fear each day… with a reminder that this life is but a blink of an eye.
Sometimes we must hold on and trust the one who holds us, even if you are afraid….