As I sit here thinking about the amazing birthday I just spent with my kids, I can’t help but be grateful.
After replaying the sweet sound of my family singing Happy Birthday to me over and over in my mind it took on a new tune… Happy New Year to me, Happy New Year to me, Happy New Year dear mama, Happy New Year to me. Why the changing up of words are running through my mind I’m not sure, other than maybe it was a tune Grant put in my head. Who knows, maybe it was his birthday wishes for me.
Having another birthday and being surrounded by family is reminder that another year older is nothing short of a miracle, and hey, miracles are worth celebrating right?
Another birthday was not something I looked forward to these past several years, not because I was another year old, or because I was spending more time in the age defining isles at Target than clothing. Not because the designer shoes that have taken over my closet aren’t red on the bottom or have pretty heels, but rather a designer by the name of Clark, a good for the sole kind of shoe. My apprehension of growing older hasn’t been in seeing that the reflection I see in the mirror every morning is slowly becoming more and more unfamiliar but rather the feeling of guilt that I was gifted another year to walk this earth that Grant was shorted. I didn’t feel deserving of all the miracles happening around me and I felt guilty for feeling happy.
As a mother I would give to my children anything before indulging myself. Their happiness always came before mine; serving them the bigger slice, making sure their needs came before mine and I was okay with that. Traveling and exploring the world, living the adventure through their eyes was even better to me but Grant’s journey to heaven before me…. not okay. I was angry. I was hurting. For the first time in my life I was furious with God. And believe me there were many heated words… yet his presence never left me, he somehow calmed the bitter, he held me in the darkest days and comforted my every tantrum of unfairness.
Finding peace and solace that God will lead me through life without Grant, that’s taken faith. Appreciating a sunrise, hearing the birds sing or welcoming the sound of laughter, that’s taken time. Learning to listen, to really listen, to every bit of beauty earth has to offer I’ve found truly the most beautiful symphony.
I guess today rang a melody from heaven, another day without Grant still rings true, that’s my reality but the chimes of life, the music of laughter I hear, the celebration of good food, family and unconditional love all around me, the scroll of birthday wishes, the cards, having another birthday offers me a welcoming reminder that it’s nothing short of a miracle to be alive, another day to love, to do what I do. It only feels appropriate to say how miraculous life is. Growing older is a privilege, I’ve been given another year, gifted to grow more in love and wisdom, given another year to learn from my mistakes, time to experience new wonders. I’ve been given more time to simply have moments of quiet reflection and celebration, to really hear the quiet, to feel my emotions. I’ve been given the gift to be grateful for my abilities and the privilege to live life.
Happy New Year to me.
I love you Grantie,