If I could have a little bit of heaven back in my day it would not be the things I once wished for, but the simple day to day things that are just a memory in my heart and mind. A lot of the time the things that come to mind are just that… things; little things that upset me that I look back on and think they were just silly things that bothered me… the things that I wish I could re-live and enjoy with a giggle instead of complaining. One of the little habits Grant had was waking up in the morning and darn near everything but the mattress was over his shoulder and under his arms as he came upstairs from his room; blankets, pillows and of course the cell phone. He’d make his way to the fridge, look out the window, find the remote and curl up on the chair he liked best. I can still look over at that chair and see him in a heap of blankets and pillows with toes out the end. Where I’m going with this is a place we all so often find ourselves. We complain about the silly things like messing up the chair and being lazy. Me… I’m the one that jumps out of bed, shower and I am always out the door in 28 minutes and now some mornings I just stare at that chair for 28 minute wishing for the lump of love to just be there as my lids lift from the next blink. I wish I could once again watch as the abominable snowman all wrapped in his down comforter raided the fridge. It’s even the little things that bring me to tears through the day not many can understand. Along with losing someone are all the empty and missing things around you. Continuously reminding myself that I don’t have to do that anymore. Throughout the kitchen there is an emptiness of all the foods Grant loved to eat. I think it took 3 months before I could throw away the half drank banana orange juice that was his… No one else drank Grant’s claimed juice since it was well-known that he drank it from the carton. What I now think of as a brilliant idea… If he drank from the carton that drove us all crazy there was more juice for him. Day after day I looked at that juice and the many other things that were in the fridge because they were the things I bought because Grant likes them. As time passes those little things have dwindled. Hour after hour I have to take two steps back and cry because I don’t have to go there anymore or I don’t have to buy that anymore. It’s not just losing my boy, it’s the emptiness in all the things I have done for 23 years. It’s this enormous hole of empty that I still don’t know how to fill and probably never will.
These are just a few of the thoughts I felt like writing down this afternoon. People say so often ‘Kim, you will teach so many through your healing’ and so I guess today what comes to mind is just love and laugh at the little things more often. Find the silly in what makes you crabby and just love the imperfectness of people because you will love them more.
Thank you for listening. –Kim