I look back and reflect daily on the years Grant was growing up; all the days we laughed and cried. I think about the 23 years of unconditional love our family all had for each other no matter what the struggles were. Some of the most difficult days ended with words many families never say or hear like I love you and I’m so sorry. One of the most wonderful and best characters of Grant included those very words. There are so many situations I look back at and realize the compassion Grant was teaching me. He had a heart that loved people for who they were and how hard they tried. Addiction was something I never wanted to talk about with people a few years ago; Addiction was something I knew nothing about… nothing… Like so many, I wanted to blame someone, something else. I thought addiction was a behavior, a weakness, a lack of will power. On a daily basis I beat myself up over these thoughts. I was a good mom. I took my kids to church, made sure they understood right from wrong, and had this assumption that being a Christian family somehow granted us free tickets from this earthly war; Something I still struggle so hard with and always may.
Faith; my Mother’s name, Sarah and Anniston’s middle name, the one word that Grant said and gave his perspective on several times the last few months is in away something our family has embraced. I don’t understand nor do I know the reason for the many profound words that came from Grant, but I believe while searching for his own understanding he was teaching all of us.
If there is anything I have learned since losing Grant it would be compassion for all the hurts, struggles, and pain that people live with. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I remember for several months after losing Grant and to this day I have such a hard time when people asked, “Hi, so how are you today”. Five months ago I’m sure someone thought the biggest crab just went through their line. I couldn’t even look up to respond and that question became something so stupid to ask. All I wanted to say was please think of something different to ask in the world of retail… Until now I never had an understanding for how sad someone may be… That their day just might be worse than mine, but that doesn’t give me the right to be rude or think I’m initialed. How dare that guy give me a dirty look for parking slanted in that parking place because today I just don’t give a shit about your big SUV and if you’re going to drive something that big and be a bitch park in the back. Yes, I got crabby… Really crabby some days… But Grant’s voice is always in my head over and over I can hear him helping me think through the other person’s situation.
I have learned not to have expectations for how others should live, work, believe or even love. I am no better or worse than any other created. I’m still learning that this life on earth is not only understanding ones self, but of others as well.