I woke up to my alarm at 5:45 as usual today. As I rolled over to shut off my alarm this morning I saw my phone read Thursday, May 3. Instantly I thought 5 months… it’s been 5 months. I feel that speed of when I was a child on a road trip and we were on our way home and I just wanted to turn around and go back to that big water slide, warm sun, and fun laughs with my siblings. In that instance the time goes so fast because I didn’t want to leave. Before I knew it I could see Fleet Farm and knew we were almost home; the fun was gone and I won’t be back for a very long time. You know that feeling of wanting to slow time down, but those are the moments that go by most quickly? I don’t want time to go by because it’s one more hour, day, month without my Grant. I’m so scared for each feeling that a day further from December will bring. Will I cry? Will I laugh? Am I on the tip of that rollercoaster? Or am I upside down screaming in the loop? Everyone was right when they said it would be a rollercoaster… I think its more like the Revenge of the Mummy… You can’t see the next drop, loop, or coast; but when you are there you can feel it deep in your gut. Grant and I went on this ride over and over when we went to Universal Studios a few years ago. We were never afraid to hold onto each other through our fears, screams and laughs. I remembering being so scared and grabbing hold of his arm and sinking my eyes into his sweater so I wouldn’t see the next scary thing that popped out to frighten me. He protected me and took care of me even though he was my little brother. After the first time, he made me go again and keep my eyes open; then again and again. The more times he made me go on the ride the less scared I was…. I hope that as this rollercoaster ride continues that my fears can subside and I can embrace the better parts of the ride and laugh a little along the way.
At this 5 month mark I was also thinking and reminiscing about the particular photos that bring me good memories or the ones that I love his smile or even my favorite one in which mom and I are in his sunglasses taken on our Orlando trip; its like I can feel him looking at me. I was thinking about the stories and the one liners and his signature jokes. Then I got to the smells… It made me chuckle because the first smell that came to mind was pickles. Grant would say ‘seriously, that is the smell you think of when you think of me?’ I know he didn’t smell like them every day or anything, but he loved eating them straight from the jar. I can picture him opening the jar sticking his two fingers in and enjoying every bite; and of course myself reminding him of how much they stunk. I never thought that I would love the smell of pickles so much….
I miss him more today than yesterday. I’ll miss him more tomorrow than today…