Some things seem impossible to grasp. I feel like I need to hold onto every little part of Grant. It all reminds me of him and brings alive a piece of his existence. Today I held his phone and thought about this device he touched and rested his face upon daily. I have been waiting to turn on the phone for months just knowing that looking through some of his pictures would cause deep emotion to gnaw at my heart. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for those additional tears just yet. Regardless of the emotion flooding, I decided if it wasn’t that it would be something else today. It took some time to charge up the battery to make it possible to turn on. It gave me time to think about the day I want so badly wish to re-live. One special quality of Grant was his ability to recall definite events, discussions, and every detail of our lives. He could recall specifics from being so young that myself as his older sister should be able to recollect more clearly. I only wish that this were a gift I was better blessed with; maybe I could watch every detail of my life with Grant over and over in my head. Photos and videos help to flood the memories back. It really makes me realize that I, Mom, and Sarah have one of the most important jobs in the world; capturing the people, memories and moments that are very special in peoples’ lives.
After, the battery was charged I sat down to look for the photos. They were when Grant came to our house at the end of November. I remember his bright smile as me beamed the words Karm, I’m so proud of you. He of course wanted a tour right away and he took out his phone and explained he was taking notes for the day he got to build his home. He commented on things he loved including the white 5 inch trim board and iron spindles which aligned the stairs; details we have made note of in the design of Grant’s Place. He took several photos as we walked around. As I look at the images there was one particular photo that stood out to me. As you can see Grant stood in the far corner of my room and I was sitting on the edge of my bed facing the other direction as he snapped the low quality camera phone shot. This photo for some reason brought me reassurance that is complicated to explain; this somehow encapsulates what I feel today. I feel the two of us together, but I can’t see him. I feel a significant emptiness, like the open space. I feel a sense of security; as this is the place I say my prayers and talk to him at night. I feel that this is what he sees when he watches me each morning and night. Ever since December 3rd I imagine him standing in that corner and days in which a breeze blows the curtain I hope that his spirit is somehow there. I try hard to convince myself that the little flutter in my heart is true and it’s his little sign to me that he is always with me. With that being said, I am thankful that I saw this photo today so I could put an image with what I feel and give you a glimpse of my soul.