Every day brings along with it many ‘firsts’; some good, some difficult.  I can’t explain all the ‘firsts’ that I have to deal with. I don’t necessarily want to explain my tears at any given moment. The world understands the first year of ‘firsts’ and has the kindest sympathy, but really the ‘firsts’ are something that happen throughout each and every day not just birthdays or holidays. It is the ‘firsts’ that can bring me to tears at any given moment and you may stand back and wonder what it was you said or did that made me cry.  It’s the simple things that make my heart soft with tender emotion that suddenly shower my face. Just a stranger asking me if I’m Grant’s mom is a first… that day and the tears aren’t necessarily sad tears… They are tears that people still say his name or still tell me what a nice guy he was.They are tears that come from my heart not because he’s gone, but because by saying his name he’s still in a way alive and that his time on earth made a difference to someone. Grant may not have touched your life directly, but in away… a different way… He has. It may be having known and loving him yourself or just knowing his family and friends. You will feel the love of Grant through all of us. Grant’s life has left us with a loving place that will forever shine though all of us.  He has left us with kindness, gratefulness, and caring that we have all embraced because he lives in our hearts.  It is a blessing for most to never know or understand the deepest of grief and then there are those of us that know it, feel it, live it every day. There is no Band-Aid to fix the hurt, separate the happy from the sad, or embrace them separately; honestly we just learn to cover the hurt to be socially acceptable some days. All I ask is you all give me one day at a time.

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One thought on “‘Firsts’

  1. Carol

    Beautifully written from your heart. I totally understand how you feel, I too, lost my son in March of this year and have experienced some of the feelings you have expressed so well. It is an extremely difficult road that we have ahead and every day presents new challenges as we struggle to find a new normal.

    God bless you and your family, your love for each other and for your son, shines through in your postings.

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