Thinking back a year ago where I was in my life; the things I felt really pleased about accomplishing, where I wanted to go from there, the things I still wanted to have. When thinking about all the “things” I wanted in my life I thought if I worked hard enough or sacrificed long enough most of the earthy things I desired would be achievable. I even thought in some sort of a strange way that I could fix everything “somehow, someway” with anyone or everyone I loved… So filled with love for my family that I thought if I loved hard enough, prayed long enough it would fix anything… somehow??
I remember thinking I would sell my soul to the devil himself if he just fixed the hurt in the one’s I love. I would look in the mirror every morning as I walked down the stairs and my last prayer before I left was watch over my babies and if there’s ever a maybe take me instead. I look back at the past few years and I see how that very way of thinking hurt the ones I love more than it helped them. Grant knew that about me. He could look right into my soul and see the hurt and heart ache I felt; feeling powerless for the first time in my life. The insanity of controlling everything around Grant, myself, our family, our friends till this illness was fixed, and yet over and over again Grant would say “Mom you can’t fix this please please just let it be. It is what it is and your addiction to controlling everything isn’t going to fix it.”
Eight months later I know that no matter how hard I try I can’t fix everything that hurts, I can’t fix Steve’s pain, I can’t fix the heart ache my girls will forever live with, and I can’t even fix or control the end result of myself. It’s something I wish now I could take back in some strange way because it was my emotional hurting and blaming myself that broke Grant’s heart so many days. I regret that. Because no matter what was going on in Grant’s heart he cared more about what was going on in the hearts around him, more than any heart ache he had for himself, he cared about the other hearts beating in his family.
I have thought about days, moments, and jokes. I have looked at pictures and watched videos. I’ve closed my eyes and reviewed and relived Grants every move, his every laugh, his every funny jester, his tight hug, I see and remember the way he walked, the funny way he ran with his cute flat feet. I sometimes just pretend that his face is on the shape of another I see just to for a moment feel his physical presents.
I guess the message I have been thinking about is maybe a better way of living would be embracing those around you, would be to think that the thought of not seeing someone you love tomorrow is very real and to make sure made them feel how much you love them. The should haves, the would haves, the I wish I dids… these words are the things I know and remind myself of daily… I know Grant wants us to hear, feel and embrace everything around us. I know the one thing I want him to feel and know is that I see, I hear, and embrace all the things around me. I’m surely not there yet but I have to try. That if I close my eyes and ears in complete grief for the days I have left on this earth I wouldn’t be living it for both of us. I want to laugh again at the funny things the kids do and say, I want to not only feel the joy in watching them, I want to feel Grant’s joy because I know he lives in me, and if I can, still feel like he feels. I want to run with them and play hard like Grant did because it was the stories of silliness that brought such joy and happiness to Grant’s life. I want to find joy again not for my own selfishness but because Grant loves me.