…there is a season

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven: Ecclesiastes 3:1

As the sun shines on my face I can’t help but think of my son-shine, the one that will forever hold my heart. Because of Grant I will forever gratefully turn my face up to the heavens and feel his warmth on my face. I will tenderly embrace the cold just to see each breath I’m still blessed to take, and somehow hope to find the understanding and grace to get myself past the love- anger relationship I have with God for taking him from me.

Each day I try to find the reasoning, the understanding of why this is the journey I have to walk, why I have to play this game called life with one less member on my team for the rest of my seasons on earth; when all I really want to do most days is forfeit my broken self from the days and innings I’m forced yet to play. I’m required to figure out, by no choice of my own, what my purpose is without him in my life. Grant completes what I have known as the six of us for 24 years and the thought of him missing from our half a dozen family activities makes me angry. I somehow need to choose not to only focus on what’s missing from my life, but be grateful for the abundance of love and life that’s all around me; that by embracing the present…I can experience a little bit of heaven on earth.

I know there is difficulty in each new season, be it the four in a calendar year, the seasons in my aging life that I still have ahead of me, the happy times, and the sad times, and that I have to somehow see them for their own unique blessings. As hard as the days will be ahead of me at least smile my best smile and embrace all the happy that the ones I love want me to feel. I have to not only focus on the great love I’ve lost but live in the love that surrounds me each day.

With that, I am still searching for the meaning, the reason for each season and why loss and pain has hit so many of our close ones. I know I am not alone in this walk of life but also have been promised that to everything there is a “season and purpose under Heaven”. I pray that my eyes will be focused on that verse in each trial and new season I face on this earth.

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