The First Day of School

I woke up this morning to a flood of memories this day after Labor Day. How for many moms the holiday really didn’t begin till the kids were tucked into their beds with the delightful excitement to wake up to the first day of school. Outfits laid out on the floor by the hands of each individual whom so carefully claiming their own identity. Each pencil accounted for and the remainder of a check list we tried so hard to fulfill. This day… after Labor Day… that is our Labor Day of Love to celebrate. Today is a day I allowed myself, much like many other years to take a day of rest.  Like so many other moms, this is a day I anticipated and was just as excited for as my children. Watching them run out the door with backpacks that had to have equaling the weight of their own little body; so eagerly running to the bus stop excited to see what this new adventure of another grade older would bring.  Me… I watched till the bus could no longer be seen and scrambled the rest of the day to accomplish the many tasks I had been waiting to achieve the whole summer so I could for one day be the June Cleaver we moms all strive to be. It’s the one day I could be the ‘picture perfect’ mom at the end of a school day; showered, sparkling house and the afterschool snack waiting at the counter at 3:00. These are memories that all moms hold precious in their hearts and for those of you moms that have not yet delighted in this day make it your new and best holiday on the calendar because it is just that important.  There is something different in the air this Tuesday morning of each year. There is something a bit cooler with very distinct crispness, laughter, chatter and excitement at every other corner as children await this first day of many firsts this year; that first day of stepping on the bus looking for a seat of acceptance, courage, a friendly hello. Each day for me the last 9 months without Grant has been a lot like stepping on the bus that first day of school. It’s the beginning of a day that is for me the hardest.  The first of another day that will begin and end without him.  Some days a smoother ride than others. Some days I want to sit with friends. Others I just want to sit alone and feel every bump in the road and for others on the bus ride to know I’m okay sitting alone. Some days the ride is appreciated and some days a long walk home alone was the time I needed. I think about the details of each day in a deeper way. I try so hard to somehow understand the meaning of why things are the way they are.  The unimagined pain and emptiness is now my reality and I find myself searching for a small, but significant way I can relate to others the sadness and fear I feel. Very much like that first day of school I have a lot to learn and comprehend and many walks home alone before I grow a grade older in my life. –Kim (A mom… just like any other)

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2 thoughts on “The First Day of School

  1. Kim Mellem

    Once again, your words have moved me to tears. You are an amazing woman and I admire your strength and your ability to admit that you are also weak some days. To me…… are the most courageous, strong, caring and beautiful (both inside and out) Mom that I know. Thank you for sharing so much with us. I hope that putting into a blog is comforting to you. It can’t be easy to write some days and I am sure you emotions are all over the place.

    Please know that SO MANY of us pray for you and your family every day and I, for one, truly enjoy following the blog. I know your daughters and love them like crazy so being able to read your heartfelt words about Grant……….makes me know him too. Thank you. If you wrote a book – it would be a best seller. We as readers/followers FEEL your warmth, happiness, sadness and true love for your Grant. God Bless The Sawyers!

    ~Kim Mellem

  2. I must second what Kim has said. Not only did this bring me to many of tears but it also made me feel as if it really takes a woman of strength to sit and write something so deep as you did this evening. Not only have I looked at the one day when my daughter will start school very differently but also at home precious her life is. I may yell at her cause she doesn’t listen and she pushes my buttons but trying to grasp the loss of a child must feel. I’m very sorry for the emptiness you feel but also thank you for writing.

    Karmen Sievert & Family

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