Being a Better Me

A wedding this past weekend brought me back to one of the most joyful days of my life.  This past Saturday was the first time I’d been back to photograph a wedding at St Thomas since I watched Karmin and Dan say their I Do’s.  Walking into that church looking down the aisle gazing at the incredible art of angels on the ceiling, I found myself filled with emotion that is hard to explain.  So many mixed feelings about the joyful moments in life and the deepest darkest. I stood  in the same spot remaining a thousand bless memories and yet somehow feeling so robbed of what made that day whole for me.

I stood at the back of that church Saturday morning reliving every minute of Karmin and Dans special day and thinking about how we often can’t imagine a day being more special than it is at the time; until a very special part of that day is missing.  As I walked closer to the stairs that enter the church I stared at every spot I saw him stand that day how when he saw me walking towards the church he quickly popped up from the step he was sitting on. He walked over to me with a big hug, that chipper voice saying ”Hey Mom, you look good!”  He had that cute wink and his ever so curled lipped smile looking so sharp in the suit and tie Karmin pick out for him to wear that day. It is not just a memory I have from the thousands of pictures taken June 4th 2011. It is the instilled memory bank we mom’s just have and not even knowing it until it’s all we have left.  What I once had all around me I now only have within me.  Much like that day and others I can close my eyes and see as if it were happening this very minute. As I stood at the back of the church Saturday, I could feel him once again holding my hand as we waited for our moment  “both nerves for any attention” to walk down the aisle. I will never forget how his warm hand felt that day as we waited for Karmin’s  new life to begin.  He was nervous, yet so excited for his sister, his playmate and most of all his unconditional friend to walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams. I can only imagine what went through Grant’s mind as he sat through that Mass, but there is no doubt in my mind he was soaking every bit of it in and I know as he looked at each one of his sisters standing up there his heart was filled to the top with overwhelming love for them. I’m sure all brothers love their sisters, but Grant… Grant adored them and anyone that had the honor of knowing Grant knew that “The Girls” were his everything. They were his rock when he felt nothing but sand. They stood by him on good days and bad. They adored their baby brother for the man he was. Truly loving someone is unconditional no matter what colors they may be wearing that day.  I know that the one thing “The Girls” will never have to regret is that Grant knew how loved he was loved on this Earth. He knew that family is the real meaning of this life; that there is peace in loving those that treat us bitter and regret and waste for those who choose not to. I would rather look deep within myself, bow my head in shame and apologize for something than fester in misery and lost time I would regret.  Truly being loved isn’t about always getting your way it’s about sometimes opening your eyes and ears to a better way.

Over the past 298 days my priorities are different, the things I care about are different, the way I see the world is different. Other than my broken heart… the better today than yesterday since losing Grant “is me”…

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Categories: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Being a Better Me

  1. Karin

    I recently heard Pastor Greg Laurie on the radio say this: “Every day is one day further from the last time I saw my son, yet every day is one day closer to the day I will see him again.”

  2. Carol

    You are saying things that some of us feel and only wish we could convey as eloquently as you do. I too, lost my son and understand the pain and longing you are experiencing. You are not alone in your anguish and you are an inspiration to others.

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