Busy for Today

There are moments where trying to concentrate is almost impossible and days that being distracted is all I can handle. A good question this week to Mom really got me thinking about how we tend to do things much alike. The question was, “Do you ever just take time to yourself… time to relax?” Mom and I both pondered this question with very similar answers; maybe only someone dealing with grief can empathize. We find it too scary to relax; for it allows too much time to think, wonder, re-live and realize again what we are feeling. I constantly have Grant on my mind; I’ve almost had to re-learn how to think of him along with the other simple things in life and day to day tasks. It took months before remembering my phone, locking the doors, turning off a curling iron, turning on my car blinker, or remembering to call someone in return lingered back into my everyday routine. I couldn’t remember names I used every day and recalling a conversation I just had was mute. I answered questions not knowing what I just agreed to; maybe I didn’t even answer in a logical manner and one would just know I wasn’t listening. Multitasking was near impossible and now all I can do is 10 things at once, with my unchanging task being thinking of Grant. Constant memories roll through my mind; I listen to his voice, envision his smile, hear conversations – some repeated more than others, I chuckle as I see him in my head scratch his butt as he bends into the refrigerator and the part I don’t like thinking about is the realism that he is out of my reach. Maybe someday I will find comfort in relaxing and thinking, but for today I am glad that I have Grant’s Place of continuous tasks, blogs to post, 7 weddings to edit, e-mails to get back to, mopping to do, laundry to fold, dog hair to sweep, dishes to stack, dusting to maintain, meetings to make, photo shoots to attend, errands to run, nieces and nephews to care for and laugh with, and a constant presence of amazing friends and family.

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One thought on “Busy for Today

  1. Glenda Arndt

    While you are in the deepest darkest days of griefs, relaxing is a scary place. Keeping busy seems like it is the thing to do, and maybe it is, but someday you will take the deep breath that you have been waiting to take, and yes the tears will come but you will then realize that it’s ok to think about yourself and take time for yourself, and memories will come and you will smile without so many tears. It takes time, and I will be completely honest it took me years after I loss my mom to get to that place. Don’t let the books or people tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Because when you someone so special is gone the grieving never ends it just gets a little more bearable and little less intense.

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