My Heart Today

My heart breaks just living and breathing the last season on Earth I spent with Grant. It is a very raw painful reality of how the time passes so quickly. For most it’s hard to even remember how the big events played out a year ago much less remember the little things. It is the little things that are the most precious to me. Not what was for dinner Thanksgiving or the car bought that month. It’s the laughter, the amazing shoulder rubs, it’s the vivid shiver gesture you had because you hated the cold. It’s these moments that are relived over and over in my heart. I could say in my mind, but precious memories have been tenderly stored in this album called my heart. My ears haven’t heard Grant’s voice in almost a year, but his voice will forever be heard deep within me. This will forever be the saddest season of my life. Throughout this past year I have spent my days/weeks/months thinking and remembering beautiful memories of Grant. Loving him for who he was as a person, loving the times we spent together just talking, even the hand rubs we traded off. I reminisce how he would grab my face with a big smooch. I am blessed that he was such a loving and huggy kind of guy. This season has been so sad. There are no profound words… just so sad. Over the past year I have been reminded of the season before. Many moments, days and special events.  At Easter I thought about the year before and our time spent watching the kids hunt for their eggs and how Grant just strolled around watching the kids he loved so much. I felt so thankful that we took a picture of the 6 of us. Not looking perfect, but that picture is perfect for the reason that it’s the six of us.  It was the day that my favorite picture of Grant and I was taken. As summer was in the air I thought about Karmin and Dan’s wedding, which was the last day many of our family and friends spent with Grant. I look back and remember everything in detail. There is some sort of relief in my pain thinking about happy days and seasons, but not this one… Reliving December there is no happy. I can’t even think back 2 years and beyond and reminisce happy times. This season is the deepest time of pain.  I remember last Thanksgiving day my mom and Willie were sitting in the kitchen with me and I opened up about the fear and pain to them I had. I opened up to them about the struggle of addiction and the fear I had that I couldn’t control or fix this Earthly war that was hurting my child. I can hear my own words over and over in my head that I said to them. Mom, I’m so scared…if something ever happened to one my children I could never go on. And a week later that was my reality. I relive that feeling every day. I hear that horrific call from Steve play over and over again as I felt the devil rip my heart from my body. That feeling that I could not take another breath and I can’t even begin to feel Steve’s grief. I can’t imagine the pain he relives expecting to wake Grant that morning. The chill in the air these past few days feel like a crisp reminder of Dec 3rd. The ache in my heart is even greater than that day, the tears are no less, and my mind is still consumed with missing him. Today I read someone’s very kind words to Karmin that Grant would never be forgotten. I think that’s one of the most difficult part of healing is feeling like his presence here will become a sort of fleeting encounter. I’m trying hard to find some kind of balance embracing the present and not letting go of the past.

So often I’m kindly asked and I often wonder to myself when or if there will ever be a day that I say I’m good again. As I’m sure many notice right now the response to that question is a quick okay because it’s the only general word to not responding to the question honestly.  I’m sure for all moms the thought of losing a child is beyond anything imaginable. Even myself I think back to a time that I thought about those kinds of questions. Grant lost several friends over the past few years and at that time my heart had an unimaginable pain for their parents.  I read Grant’s friend Nick’s Caring Bridge page regularly wondering how his parents could even get though the day. I can clearly see Nick’s mom Jill’s  face that night of the visitation looking in my eyes remembering her own loss and I can’t even imagine how hard it had to be for her to step foot in to the same funeral home that she stood just a year and a half before. I remember saying to her I’ve cried to the point I don’t have any more tears and she was right when she said, “Honey you haven’t even begun to cry”. I have cried over many things in my life, but only someone who has lost a child could understand that statement. They’re not just tears that drip or roll down ones face… they stream. When I’m alone I say Grant’s name out loud and some days very loud because I can’t imagine not ever calling for him again. I know I am always welcome to talk about him. People understand that, but the emptiness goes far deeper than that. Sometimes I just have to call his name out loud, louder and louder. I’m not crazy and I guess I don’t expect anyone to answer I just can’t allow myself to never call for him again and maybe the silence after my last whale is all a part of my understanding reality. Very much more painful and loud as the last push that brought him into this world and that pain doesn’t even compare to my pain of him leaving.

If I could have one last wish one last dream come true I’d dream you back to life again. I’d smile at the sound of the door slamming, I’d be pleased to see your room a mess, I’d snuggle the clothes I washed, a chore I once grumbled about and now I just miss. I miss the mess you made in the kitchen, I just miss your 20 pairs of shoes throughout the house and don’t know if there will ever be a day I’ll be able to move the warm brown pair from the room you took them off that night…


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5 thoughts on “My Heart Today

  1. Bridget O'Brien

    Kim, this made me tear up 😦 I still think of Grant and your entire family everyday. I’ll never lose the memories I have of him. But also reading this, I could almost hear his voice saying “I’ve gotta clean up a little bit, I don’t want to make my mom mad…” referring to the kitchen after he made a smoothie or some sort of amazing desert with fruit in it! and I have to say whatever he made was always SO good! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. XOXO ~Bridget

  2. Rhonda

    It’s been a nice holiday weekend for me, to see my kids come home,, to play card games with them, to eat leftovers…and to send them back to work/school. My mornings and evenings usually start with a prayer, sometimes of thankfulness, other times asking for something. As wonderful as any family gathering you’ll have during these holidays, it will be missing Grant. I remember when I first heard about what happened to Grant, I must have “creeped” on someone’s Facebook (because I didn’t have any of you as friends, then).., and I remember seeing a picture of you and the girls going through the paper, planning your “Black Friday” – at least, that’s what I thought the picture was. As Thanksgiving and “Black Friday” approached this year, my thoughts were of that picture…and I remember how last year, it was the “I wish we could go back to that day” picture. I know I have no idea of the pain you feel, I just want you to know how much you have meant to me, loving my daughter like you do,…and just seeing the love of your family – a lot of us can learn from you. My wishes for you this holiday season will be to take one day at a time, say Grant out loud as often as you like (he’d love that!), smile when you can, and then laugh….and then cry, start all over again. Feel the many arms wrapped around you, giving you their best version of a Grant hug…love you, Kim 🙂

  3. Carol

    I am so sorry for your pain, nobody can possibly understand the emptiness and devastation that overtakes you after losing your child. How can you carry that child in your body, give birth and protect and nurture him and not lose part of yourself when he is no longer there… I don’t know how any of us will find a life without our children but somehow we must, I know they are watching over us and want us to find our way. God bless you and help you through these difficult, if not impossible holidays.

  4. “Honey, You haven’t even begun to Cry”. Going on three years, and you had me in a flood just now. OH not just your words but I feel the pain, I know the pain. It is a pain so deep that you can not even discribe it in words the depth of our eternal pain. Those boys were alot alike, and yet God took them in totally different ways, Nick to Cancer – Grant to addition – They both suffered – the same, yet differently and both had such a admiration for each other and a depth of caring for each other, true friends. Every Night as I lay in bed, I say out loud “I love you Nick”, and I always will. I too would give anything to hear that truck pulling in a little too late, him slamming the door and yelling if there is anything to eat. I have yet to do anything with his room – so I go in and just breath in his smell – all his clothes and (Can we talk about Shoes…. lol) they fill his closet and our entry closet. Guess he came by that naturally…. and clothes … think one time when we were in the hospital for some treatment a couple friends came over and were folding clothes said they counted 100 pair of Jeans.. yep that was Nick… Loved to be looking Good. When Grant passed, I just knew Nick would be there to greet him and I know those two – are having a good time – following their sisters around messing with them. Both having two sisters each and the babies of the families. I need to update Nicks caringbridge with a emotional update .. have only been doing ones of late on the foundation stuff. Not looking forward to Christmas with out my man, the guy who loved to get me so worked up and mad to the point of almost crying and then he’d give me that grin… the snot. I am not decorating for xmas this year, to hard, and we’ll be celebrating at Amanda’s this year.. so even better reason to not have to.
    I believe We will always be in pain!
    Hugs! Remember You are Never Alone! Jill

  5. Lynn

    I needed to read this…the mother of children that are growing up and the need and fear that we all have in common, to keep our children safe and happy no matter how old they become. To be reminded to appreciated their everything no matter come what may…I thank you as a mom to a mom. I remember when we lost someone close the words that my husband said to him, “I could always help you fix things but I am so sorry I can’t help you fix this.” As a parent, child, friend…I want to help take the pain away that hurts our loved one’s.

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