Pissing all Over Today (as Grant would say)

When losing someone you love so deeply one finds themselves looking far deeper than ever before. I have been thinking a lot about the past, which is something I write over and over again.  I know, but it always seems to help me appreciate the good days as well as the bad days. I think about how past memories are kept neatly folded and treasured in this hope chest that so many of you have wrapped your arms around. I think differently of a hug because it has so much more meaning than it did before losing Grant. Grant didn’t just hug… he squeezed. He truly meant it and all of you that had the privilege of his hugs know what I’m talking about. My favorites were the ones where he picked me off the floor and waved me back and forth. I even loved the little one-handed squeeze on my shoulder while we were in the car driving somewhere. It was his tender sort of a hug when he knew I was stressing about something.

I know several that read what I write in this blog can relate to my heart ache. There are those that have walked this walk before me and other that have suffered the loss of more than one of their beloved.

As I think about the past 30 years, “my adulthood”, I find myself remembering people and places and reflecting not on just days or moments but times, events; who, were, there and all the things I didn’t give a lot of thought to till now. I have thought about how life seemed so incredibly simple compared to how it feels now. People come and go throughout our lives and at the time we might not really know the meaning of the relationship or why it may have ended or faded away for no real reason. Maybe there was a reason at the time and the life learning was accomplished. Maybe it really wasn’t important or maybe the lesson was to teach my own selfish behavior something. I believe that each and every earthy encounter I have walked though has had a purpose. We come to a time in our lives that we realize that it is all the people, situations that play apart in who we have become as a person. It is sad how we have such a hard time embracing both the good and the bad of each day because it is what makes us who we are and more importantly better people. Even in a bad situation positive outcomes blossom.

I look at many days and approach it with the old saying is the glass half full or half empty. It truly is a thought to live by. Trust me; I started with the half empty glass most of the year. I felt completely empty most days, but I have always tried to focus on how Grant would want me to handle this. Grant’s glass was always half full. ALWAYS… no matter how hard the struggle with addiction he always looked UP and FORWARD and NEVER BACK. He would say I’m not a man of God because I’m perfect I’m a man of God because I’m not. He always had hope and I will forever say Grant had his earthly war and I have mine… we all have one. It’s the price we pay to exist. No matter what I mean or the situation he knew he was a child of God and for that his Glass was full enough no matter how empty. I remember one day in August Grant was not answering his phone and like most days I focused on a half empty glass and worried myself to pieces. I remember leaving work early because my mind was so overwhelmed with worry. I drove to Serenity Village just to realize he just wanted me to stop calling him all the time and he wanted me to just stop the insanity I was putting myself though. I said to Grant how sorry I was and I worry all the time. I told him how scared I was that he didn’t answer his phone and as I sat on the steps of Serenity Village Grant just quietly listened to me pour out every word of my worries. In the end of that conversation Grant said to me words I will always remember, Mom, no matter how hard this fight is on Earth I am a child of God… I’m not afraid to die… I’m afraid of living my life like this, he said, I’m NOT afraid of heaven.

I could look at my glass this past year and don’t get me wrong many of the days all I could think about was the empty half, but that empty half has lead me to focus very hard on the half full glass. My half empty glass would never been as cherished as it is now. My half empty glass will forever be the biggest part of who I am. It will be treasured as the half full. Grant had hard times and never thought negative about half empty. He just took it one day at a time and would want me to do the same.

Just my thoughts today, but I will end with something Grant would say; Mom, if you have one foot in yesterday and the other in tomorrow you’re pissing all over today. <wink and a big Grant squeeze hug>

— Grant’s Mama

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One thought on “Pissing all Over Today (as Grant would say)

  1. Sheila Gladitsch

    So BEAUTIFUl!!!!! From a MAMA’S HEART ❤ May PEACE always be with you on your walk.

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