Christmas shopping this year has been different in more ways than one. Very late and not at all like past years. Most trips I returned home accomplishing nothing. In past years Christmas shopping was pretty much done by Thanksgiving and I was well into wrapping shortly thereafter. This year… not the same.
This will be Christmas number two without my Grantie, but in many ways it is a first. This year the reality of losing Grant is very clear. Last year the month of December had no date, no order in the week, no sunrise or sunset. It was this cold grey hole and the noise of talking and laughter just seemed muffled and from a far distance. I really don’t remember anything about the holidays last year other than the feelings of anger and hurt.
With this Christmas come many more firsts. This is the first year I didn’t shop for Grant in the same way…. I shopped for him, but it was not how I did when he got to open the beautiful foiled wrapping. I found myself starring in a daze flooded with tear because I wanted to buy it for him. I wanted to buy all the things that I knew he would like or the newest gadget of the year. Grant and I shopped a lot together. Shopping was something he hated to do as a child, but loved to do as he got older. He loved to dress nice and found great pride in his appearance. I have to admit, I loved making him excited so I usually gave in to the button-up shirt or denim he wondered around the store holding. grant rarely asked for me to buy him things, but I could see in his face he wanted it. He got his attention to detail in the “well-dressed department” from the three fashionistas he grew up with. His girls were his final judge in that department.
This season I have taken a lot of days one day at a time. I decided not to have a tree this year; I wasn’t prepared to reminisce down that road of memories that included Grant. He loved putting up the Christmas tree and rummaging through all the presents under the tree. He loved getting me all worked up guessing and begging to open just one present early, which always lead to another as he asked, “Just one more mom…. Please?” I’m sure he had plans for that particular evening and had all the shirt boxes hunted out, which meant there was a promising possibility of something new to wear that evening. The thought of not having presents under a tree this year for him is heart breaking. The only thing worse are the gifts I have in a closet that he never unwrapped last Christmas.
While walking through Target a few weeks ago the reality was displayed quit clearly as I walked by a t-shirt that said “Owl Be Home for Christmas”. Owls have always been a sort of sign/hello in my heart. It’s hard to explain, but it started years ago with Grant and one of his quick witty comments; just one of his many gifts. When I was being nosey saying “who this or who that” or if I had my two cents to add to a conversation he and the girls were having on events or as he would state it as “girl drama”, but mostly silly mom questions he didn’t think I needed to know. Grant’s answer to all my inquisitive questions was always “Ma your feet are to big for the limb. Who Who Who… You’re so nosey”. The truth is … I was. As I stood and stared at that T-shirt the words in my head that followed the word Christmas was…he’s not. Grant won’t be home for Christmas this year. My wish this Christmas only a song can play true; “Owl be home for Christmas. If only in your dreams”. Grant will be with me in a different sort of way. Grant will have his heavenly arms tightly wrapped around our family. I know he will feel as present in the room as he did for 22 years.
I don’t mean to bring sadness to any one’s Christmas joy by reading what I have blogged today. What I hope is that it reminds each and every one that you are such an important part of the lives around you. As you are surrounded by all the ones you love remember and embrace how much they love you. The words I love you are the greatest gift for they cost nothing and returnable.
Just my thoughts today