Every day I pray for a little sign, something to remind me that God and Grant will always take care of me. Most days I just want to scream out and yell and ask why there is so much pain in the world, why I see so many that are close to me lose someone they love, why this world has so many tragic things. I have a hard time always remembering that even though sometime things are not visible they are still there. I am constantly reminded that I need to have faith like a child. I have to have faith that even when the signs aren’t always there that my heavenly father has a plan and that while I don’t understand everything, that if I “trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; and in all my ways submit to him, he will make my path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Even so, sometimes the silly little things happening around us that remind me that Grant is still around are worth telling the story. While some days we must trust in the Lord, other days surprise us with a little message, squeeze or angel kiss. Today was one of those days. The story really began last week with a ring that I have worn on my pinky for at least the last ten years. It is a small white gold ring with three small stone on it. The middle stone is a diamond and the sides each holding a red ruby. My mom gave it to me many years ago and especially this last year I have appreciated the symbolism of the three stones, with a ruby being Grant’s birthstone. Last week I noticed it missing. Let me start by saying that I never take it off and have spent many moments throughout each day over the last ten years using my thumb to make sure it is always in place. I’ve always feared it falling off but knowing how diligent I am at checking this finger along with the finger that hold my wedding ring I knew that if it were ever to happen that I would notice right away. So last week during one of my religious subconscious finger checks I noticed that it wasn’t there.
The indentation of this ring on my finger was still there making me believe that it couldn’t have been gone long, and so the searching began. What’s funny is that five whole days of missing this ring and the indentation (not a tan line) but an actual marking on my hand signifying this ring still held a place on my finger, even it is wasn’t really there, is clearly on my finger. It reminded me of how much I am a see it believe it type of person. That I am the type that just likes to have a concrete reminder. This indentation reminded me that even when the physical is no longer here that there is still an indentation, a marking on the finger, or in a lot of cases a marking on the heart and soul that will never go away. Grant will always be with me even if I can’t always physically hold him as tightly as I wish I could every day. The marking on my heart will always be there of just how much I love him and will never let him go. I will believe forever that I will see him again in Heaven.
So back to my story… Over the past few days of frantically but slowly cleaning my house, bedding, sure not to miss over this tiny little ring I had no luck. In the back of my head I kept telling myself that I was going to find it. I had this goofy feeling that Grant would have hid it from me in a way to make me excited about an early spring cleaning of my house, or just to frazzle my brain. As each day has passed I got a little more worried that I wouldn’t find it. I had lost hope that it was going to be found in some random place. UNTIL, yes, this afternoon, I opened my refrigerator drawer to grab a piece of fruit and there it lay. My beautiful ring found sitting on top of a pomegranate. In my head I thought, “I’ve been looking all this time and you’ve been sitting on a piece of FRUIT?!?!?” I thought to myself how many times in five days I open and close my fridge. How could I have possibly not seen it?
I laughed aloud as I knew pomegranates were one of Grant’s favorite September-December treats. Every year my mom would buy a case and he would devour it very quickly. My mind wandered as I remembered all of the Grant-pomegranate stories in the Sawyer household. As teenagers and young adults my sisters and I knew if we came home with a pomegranate we needed to hide it so as to not come home to a missing pomegranate (and a mess in the kitchen). My mom can still see the faint stains on her family room blinds from the numerous times Grant would curl himself up in his white down comforter, yes I said white (with lots pomegranate stains over the years). She’d come home to this grown boy unnoticing his pom-juices squirting behind him and all over his blanket. My mom tide stick-ed those blinds which made the stains very faint. The next time he was caught with a pomegranate, Grant was so kind as to do his eating over the kitchen sink, again forgetting that there was a (now faintly stained) curtain behind the sink.
These faint stains and indentations of the heart tell a story. They show that even when you can’t see, don’t understand, want an answer, etc. dig deeper and look for the signs. Sometimes the signs are hidden in the refrigerator drawer or in a very faint tide stick removed stain. The stories and memories will fill your heart and are the reminder that we don’t always have to see to believe. That we can trust in the Lord and our path will be lit, and someday when we enter those heavenly gates things will make more sense. I just have to have faith. In the mean-time, thanks Grantie for showing me this little sign today. I will forever cherish the little juice squirts of a pomegranate.
I love you, Sarah