Stormy Heart

Last week as my family and my husband’s family gathered for Luner New Years for an early celebration I felt more than ever the emptiness I feel for Grant. The food served was some of his favorites and I can only imagine the compliments he would have given me for learning some of the trades of Vietnamese cooking. The football game cheers and commercial chuckles made it so apparent that he wasn’t there. Sunday football games were a tradition Dad and Grant joined in together each season. My Dad shared some stories of his joys of snowmobiling with Grant and the guys, which sparked the interest of my brother-in-law, Tim. This lead us to the determination to head to Grant’s Place this weekend to get some work done and show Dan and Tim the ropes of sledding. I knew it was rumored that a winter storm was going to hit Minnesota, but tried to ignore the forecasts because I was really looking forward to going… I miss Grant so much and was searching to be a part of him in some way.

We headed up on Saturday afternoon just in time to wrap up the second coat of mud on the main floor. We spent the evening talking and sharing some stories of Grant, which somehow makes me feel a little better. I felt the exhilaration as we sped through the snow hitting top speeds and whipping figure eights. I  held onto the back of Tim and I reminisced the times I held onto my brothers back as he did all the tricks to make me screech and laugh. I can re-live in my mind the twists and turns Grant did that caused us to get thrown from the snowmobile and bit our lips as we told Dad we lost the seat.

We didn’t accomplish our goal of a full second coat and sand since we were warned that we might be stuck there for a few days due to the lack and delay of small town plows. We decided to head out around 10am Sunday as we noticed the storm picking up. We began our trek not being fully aware of what was ahead of us. A typical 2 hour and 40 min drive turned into a full 5 hours. This gave me a lot of time to silently stare out the window and reflect on how this particular drive related to our daily lives. I just never know what to expect or how long the time will be. I have no clue what is ahead of me in life just as the snow and fog hindered my vision before me. The feeling of being in the midst of a scary, unknown road in my life that feels so bumpy; hitting a dry patch and quickly hitting the ice and feeling no control. I felt hypnotized as I watched the snow melt down the windshield as the tears down my cheek; sometimes so covered I can’t even see. People just passed by with no consideration of the storm I’m just trying to get through. Mom and Dad in the truck ahead of us and daddy leading the way even through his own dismay. At some point around St. Cloud I passed by this sign that I swear read heaven and just wish it was a stop off the road to visit Grant and be reassured of this beautiful place I dream of often. Driving in this blizzard seemed to be such a small challenge in comparison to the huge blizzard of emotions and frustrations in my heart. After such defeat through this drive somehow we made it… we made it to were we were suppose to be.



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