Valentine’s day is the day of love; feeling loved and how really the word love has many different levels. There is new love, old love, agape love, uncontainable love, and never-ending love. It takes a lot of love to get through the tragedy of losing a child. I was apologizing to a manager at work for continually writing on reports the year 2012; something we all do for a period of time when a new year turns over. One might think another year on the calendar should lessen the ache in my heart, but it’s still the raw opened wound that I felt months ago. When you love deep you grieve deep. I lost a part of me that nothing on this earth can replace. My tears will forever fall and I have embraced them as a gift to me. I don’t dread them and I feel blessed to have the amazing friends that have made my days a bit lighter and have held the box of Kleenex and my embarrassed-self, wet and snotty, as I repeat the same things over and over again and always reminding me I had very right to do so.
“The tears streamed down and I let them flow as freely as they would, make of them a pillow for my heart. On them it. Rested” — St. Augustine, Confessions.
I have learned that tears are my strength. A 45 minute bawl/cry and the screams that I have built up is what gets me though a days work. There is a quote “acknowledge your pain and give it to God, and let it go.” God can handle it. I have spent my life praying for things I hoped for and living by the saying that everything happens for a reason. I’ve spent 40 some years thanking God for the events of my life, but this one… this one… I spent months so angry with God. More anger than I had ever felt in my life. Bringing my burdens to God in a church would have found me in a straight jacket. Throughout I have loved the Lord and I know he will be my strength. Throughout whatever time remains for me on this Earth He is my father very much like an Earthly father in the way that He, my Heavenly Father, has allows me to work through my trials screaming and kicking just like a loving parent. Believe me, there were many days at my lowest… whales….whales of the Lord’s name in vain was my way of some how hurting God as deeply as I hurt. Throughout my private anger, some days through the rage, I felt his comfort and peace very much how like how I would hold my children equally tight through the good times and the bad. I know the answer to my unanswered prayer will be waiting at the golden gates. My boy will be there to greet me with the hug I long the rest of my life time for.
I think most of my life I thought my belief in God would somehow answer my pleading prayers. When Grant died I felt so much anger towards God. I felt so forsaken. A year later my sadness remains heavy, but I am finding myself resting my head before my Father. My heavenly pillow that wipes my every tear and holds me up on days I feel like falling. My invisible friend that has held me on my darkest of days. This Valentine’s day I know my Father loves me unconditionally and he waits patiently while I grieve my boy however I may that day. He is my strength while I’m too weak to praise or thank. He loves me even on my angriest day… He has never left my side.
Living the rest of my life without my SONshine is some how a part of my journey to Heaven; Loving hard like Grant, loving unconditional like Grant, loving is forgiving like Grant.
My boy is every reason to lift my hands to the Heavens and praise because my Valentine is in Heaven.
Love you to the moon and beyond,
Happy Valentine’s Day to all I love.