This week as it gets one more day closer to Mother’s Day I have thought a lot about how I did in the mother role. As a mother we think about days and years that we may have done things different; how when our children are grown we feel like maybe we should have spent more time, dealt with situations more calm, focused less on the little things. It’s true in the saying there is no second chance to do it right. We just hope that while raising their own they find understanding in my flaws.
A mother’s love is one of a kind. It’s no more or less than a father’s, but different. I loved my kids more than anything on this Earth. Being a mother was the one thing I felt good at. Not perfect, but I always felt that I had enough love intended to say I did the best I could.
This is mother’s day number 2 for me without Grant’s chipper morning Mother’s Day wish. He wouldn’t have to ask what I wanted for Mother’s Day he would just assume it was his day to grill outside. He would raid the refrigerator and come up with some fancy feast that would heap my plate beyond the rim. He always felt so happy with himself knowing he brought delight to mine.
I have been thinking a lot about Mother’s Day; finding the joy and appreciation for my girls without making them see the dim side of my heart for maybe just a day. Grant would be so disappointed to rob them of me. If I were to be honest and spilled my deepest feelings and hurts I would have alienated many people. For the sake of others and myself I bite my tongue and tell myself most others have not walked in my shoes and worse yet they have no desire nor should they to imagine my painful sole. People have empathy about the things in life, but losing a child is a pain they don’t even want to imagine and I understand their discomfort. There are those that will ask how you are because they really want to know and then there are those that scurry around implying their busy just to avoid asking. In the case of asking means they would have to listen. I know who would like to listen and I know who would rather not. Body language says it all. I find myself reeling myself back in from feeling angry and hurt because I do believe that I may have dealt with situations in the same matter at a different time in my life. I have to find understanding when I feel hurt. There is more than grieving to understand when you lose someone as you’re forced to understand people.
Maybe my opening up a bit is a plea for understanding; understanding my mood swings, my talkative days, my quite days, moments, understanding my emotions run all over a day. You may not understand me at times, I don’t even understand myself. I just want to be the mom I was two years ago. I don’t like this mom role very well and I want back what I had.
My days are waves of emotions, just when I am having a lighter moment I may be asked by a new acquaintance how many children I have. There was a time I wanted to explain my situation… maybe I just subconsciously wanted sympathy because my loss was too deep to go unnoticed. It’s hard for me to explain, but as time goes by it is very hard to see others go on with their happy lives and I’m still living and breathing my sadness every day. Please don’t be angry with me. I get angry at myself, but it is all part of losing someone. It’s not just learning to live, but its learning how to GREIVE politely.
People understand sadness, but it’s hard for people to deal and have empathy for the anger that comes with it. Most days are a mixture of happy and sadness people understand. The angry/mean moments are a bit harder. I was asking my coworker a few weeks ago, “What’s the matter with me I just feel so mean…” No other words to explain it… just mean. Trying to understand those feeling that I just don’t really know is hard. I feel like a stranger in my own skin some days and I’m embarrassed to say I’m jealous of others happiness… things… Material things I could care less about. Happiness, I want that back.
Finding joy again is very hard. I look at my girls and grandchildren and feel like I am even robbed of feel joy with them. My heart is broken and I ask God daily to help me with my sadness. People say …but Kim you have those wonderful grandchildren and three beautiful girsl and dammit I know that… I know that, I see that, I feel that. They are what get me through a day, but I’m so scared I will never feel happiness without a cloud of sadness over me. I just miss him so much. I feel like I’m starving in my heart.
I am so proud of the mothers my girls have and will be. I am proud to be the mother of 4 amazing kids that love me. I am blessed to have a mother that raised me to be the best mother I could. I feel blessed that my girls have so much love and care for me at this time in my life and I am so so so proud to be the Mother of Grant.