I journal my thoughts and days for one important reason… I’m afraid I will forget. I think about the past days, moments, parties, and weddings. I see things, hear things, watch expressions just gathering any sort of memory I can to encapsulate a memory I try to make sense of visions I see that I have come to find comfort in thinking it’s Grant’s way of giving me peace. My first vision of peace was the Tuesday after losing Grant. I was sitting on the sofa at Karmin and Dan’s and to be honest I don’t even remember what was going on in the room. I remember looking over to a certain corner and this is what I seen that evening and I reflect on that moment every time I am in that area. I remember clear as day a picture I only wish I could draw. There was a dirt road that ran front to back with trees with no leaves and a wood fence that was to the left and leaning against the end of that fence was Grant. He wore khaki pants and a white cotton dress shirt not tucked in. I could and still can see this picture in my head, but the stilled vision that comforted my heart for a moment was the smile on his face. It was truly a clear smile of joy and peace. It was the smile everyday, but this time it was with a sort of peace that seemed angelic. I call that corner in Karmin and Dan’s home my corner of peace. I know some would say it’s all in my mind and whether it was my imagining things or not it was a moment I will always remember. Grant always cared deeply about my emotions and there wasn’t anything on earth that hurt him more than to see me sad. Even on days that weren’t so good he would find some way to make me smile. I believe Grant/God left me with this vision of peace to help me feel some comfort; this internal portrait painted in my mind.
I’m sure we all die with a list of regrets and the only benefit to knowing our last day on Earth would be to make up for the regrets and pain we have cause someone whether intentional or not. The pain we may have caused others in our suffering or just rudeness. I think that throughout most of our life we try to excuse the intentional rudeness, but in the end we become honest with even ourselves that forgiveness is needed to feel peace with death. For most of us we leave this world with regret.
I believe that there has to be something that those who loved Grant gain from this enormous loss. Daily I reflect on many things I believe Grant would want me to know; the things I know he would have wanted to change, rephrase, and take back. All the things we all would want to redo or ask for forgiveness. I know the things Grant would have done and said if he knew it was his last day. If there is anything I can take from this brokenness and make it positive it would be to ask myself daily what I would change about yesterday to make tomorrow better for myself and others. I want to lay my head on the pillow in peace. If my words hurt another heart… If my boasting made another feel less of themselves… If I put things before people or my time before others. Grantie is teaching me to find peace and I believe that it is his gift from glory’s side
I Love you,