Grief equals klutz for both Steve and I. One moment it may be as cheap as a cup of coffee tipped over, dropping a $1500 lens or being so down and out on the anniversary of Grant’s death that you have a fender bender just going to pick up a pie in hopes there can be some pleasure found it the horrific date of December 3rd. These kind of mishaps as silly and replaceable as they are bring me to my knees in a puddle of tears. I know that my loss and sadness doesn’t come with a pass to a life of perfection, but God knows I have begged for mercy over the little things because some days I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I just wish I didn’t have to get up. Am I a stronger person because I have been through the dark valley? I guess… I mean, I still drag my ass out of bed every day and treat people with respect, but please don’t ever complement my strength. It has not been a bench I wanted to lay on nor did I choose strength over weakness because if it wasn’t for my brain telling my body to breath I would have suffocated myself by now.
3 or 4 years ago Grant and I were tooling down the road on our way home from Albertville MN. Okay, so the police officer said speeding. I’ll be honest the mean bone in me thought don’t you have bigger crimes to deal with than a mother in a minivan going 67 on a 55 in the country and then as Grant would tell the story… “Mom was a bawling mess…” And yes that is the true story. I remember as I cried my way home with a ticket of $130 to be sent in 7 days Grant was grabbing my arm with that big grin on his face with these wise words, “Mom…don’t feel bad <huge smile>. Think of it like this, if you lost your bumper back there on the road it would cost you more than $130 and you wouldn’t be crying you’d be pissed screaming the F-word all the way home. So mom don’t cry about it. The cop probably would have made me get out and walk a straight line… <ha ha ha>.”
Grant always found humor in just about every human error. I think he kicked himself so many times for mistakes that he found great compassion for others that were down and out. As parents we don’t always appreciate our children scolding us about our actions and behavior in life, but I don’t for a minute regret some of Grant’s wise words. Grant may have not always made wise choices, but I don’t think there is anyone that understood regret more than him. He was a young man that had a 100 “sorrys” for whomever he may have hurt and compassion for those who were down and out. On his own lowest of low days he would still tell a funny joke, give you the best shoulder rub ever, lift your feet from the floor, and the best bear hug ever. I miss these days and I try to cherish and adore the good days and moments like Grant did. I try to complement like Grant did and smile on the bad days remembering the good. I miss him so much.
Just more Mama thoughts… If God can move mountains, allow others a new breath… Why didn’t he save my son? I’ll never have that answer, but as each day passes I remind myself I’m a day closer to the open arms of my boy and finding peace with my agony. Many days all I could focus on was his struggle that robbed me of so many good days. I was always so worried and full of fear that I didn’t enjoy the many good days. I now consider it a gift… Grant taught me to be a better person; he gifted me with kindness, humility, love, companionship and a profound understanding for the deepest kind of sadness.