My 50th…. Never could I have imagined I would be a half a century old without Grant, never could I have imagined he would be gone from me. I have thought a lot about turning 50; reminding myself that Grant wouldn’t be here to relentlessly tease me about being over the hill. I can hear his laughter as he would have awaken me with that gut belly laugh that I can still hear as if it’s in the same room as me, repeating over and over “you’re 50 Mom… Oh my God, you’re 50!” He would have spoiled me with a FULL FAT menu and so kindly reminded me I was Hot for fifty… just to embarrass me.
I wish I didn’t have to turn anything without Grant by my side. I still can’t imagine growing old without him. I decided to write about turning 50 the day before maybe so in some sort of imaginary mind I could pretend all day tomorrow he was here. I think for those who have lost a loved one you have an understanding that the only way to get through the day sometimes is to imagine they are as present on earth as they are in your heart. Grant lives in me… He lives in Steve and the girls and I even see a bit of him shine through those who knew and loved him.
I feel blessed to have been able to live almost 48 years without tragedy in my life. I never knew what deep sadness felt like until losing Grant. Steve and I are blessed to still walk this earth with our parents and siblings. Losing our child was not a fair place to start. I grieve for my loss but I also grieve for the pain and suffering it has caused Steve and the girls. None of us could have anticipated growing a year older without him.
For 28 years I took care of my children, making sure they were safe at night, praying for health and happiness. At age 48 that role flip-flopped. Not only did the girls grieve the loss of their baby brother they had to grieve the loss of their parents’ breaking hearts. They knew that the 4 of them were Steve and my world. Sarah, Chelsey and Karmin didn’t deserve to say good-bye to the boy they mothered by my side, they didn’t deserve to plan a funeral for their little buddy, they didn’t deserve to mother their mother … but they did. I’m not sure how but I believe that God and Grant gave them the strength to do what he knew I couldn’t. So on my 50th birthday I will celebrate the amazing children and husband I have. They have been my rock, my pillow of tears, they have gifted me with comfort, love and the strength that I thought I could never have again. Turning fifty without our Grant is hard; but celebrating fifty with Steve and the girls makes life worth celebrating. Grant would have wanted that. He would have proudly placed and lit each candle on my cake. Grant will be present in our celebrations… I will imagine he will find a way to make me laugh, just to comfort me, he will find a way to dance with me… to somehow glide me through the day. He would have lifted me high and spun me around… I will forever miss him.
Happy Birthday to me. I still miss you….