A few weeks ago I began reading the blog of someone I met a few years ago. As I carefully read her words I find it to be a sort of calming I myself may have needed that day. I have found that even though a different life journey for her, her thoughts and feelings have opened my eyes to something we all have at different times in life; pain, fear, and humility. The price we pay for a long life is there is no way to escape the pain and suffering life dishes out to the last man standing. Her journaling, her journey has opened my eyes and given me a new understanding to human emotions. A blog, not the same journey, but clearly I found myself understanding the rollercoaster of emotions she is feeling; fear, anger, good days, bad days… different adversity, same search. It made me think deeper into myself. How is this journey going to make me not only a whole person again but a kinder, thoughtful, more empathetic person? A person that someday better understands the important things in life? Not the number on the scale or in my bank account, but the feelings and emotions for those who suffer for whatever reason.
Something I have experienced since losing Grant is the feeling of honest, raw hurt. Not just for me but for others. I’m not afraid to embrace these emotions, I consider it a strength. I actually feel blessed…
What I have learned from blogging is that no matter what you’re journaling it gives you time to reflect on the things you are writing down, giving you a clearer perspective on the real underlying issues.
People think differently when they are hurting and fear the future. It is a lot like walking with blinders on and seeing nothing but what is ahead. Simply means that you don’t get a clear picture when you are feeling overcome by what life dished out to you. I could repeat the words “it’s not fair for the rest of my life” and live defeated but then my son would have died in vain. My Grant died, My Grantie died. He didn’t die in vain; he taught me kindness, humility, love and deep empathy; something I never understood till now. I thought I did but I have found that my understanding and compassion is much greater. What is the blessing in all of this hurt? I’m kinder.
Grants journey on earth was different from mine, mine is different from Steve, different from “The Girls” (Grant’s girls). And different from the blog of a special someone I know. But Blogging/Journaling is a way of letting go of our fear, uncovering the real raw truth, to find a greater meaning.
I blog because it’s therapeutic for me. I had all these built-up emotions when Grant died. For months I shut my emotions away from others and I just wanted to go into hiding. Once I started writing it was my outlet, so I started blogging my feelings while we documented the progress of Grant’s Place. I wanted people to know what kind of man he was, the deep love he had for each of us, how he always shared his feelings and the journey that would unveil through the years that may touch someone else at a different mileage marker on this road to peace and understanding. I have never gone back and read my entries. Maybe someday I will but for now that would probably be a step backwards for me. But for someone else it could be the first step. I don’t need to re-read that pain. I’m learning to breathe with the pain and that is my strength today. Grant’s death hasn’t made me a bitter person. It has made me a kinder human being.
The second reason I started the blog was to raise awareness about addiction and the misunderstanding of this undiscriminating disease and the rising deaths of young men, women and children… our children.
I know some of the people who are reading, most I don’t. Many strangers have found their way to this blog which is good. It makes me feel like I might reach out to someone who needs me today because there are plenty of times I’ve needed someone and stumbled upon a blog that put a little clarity to the day, gave me a giggle, or made me feel less alone. Whether or not I know you personally we all need to find strength to find meaning in the important things in life.
Grantie, you make me a better me.