The Mirror

I few days ago I had this wonderful dream – almost like a vision. It was unlike any dream I had ever had before because it was very vivid, lasted only a few minutes and it had a beginning and an end that told a complete story. In the dream I was standing in front of a mirror with three sides just looking at myself and this overwhelming feeling came upon me. A feeling of disbelief because even in my dream I knew Grant was gone. I could see Grant looking back at me in the mirror. His hair was combed different but he had the same beautiful face and smile. In my dream I kept looking into the mirror to touch him but my hand never felt anything. Several times I would look around the room because my feeling that if his reflection was there he should be standing next to me somewhere but he was nowhere other than in the mirror. In my dream I said “Grant, I just want to touch you.” At that moment he was in the mirror to my side. I walked over and hugged him and for a second I felt him. I think at that moment I woke up, maybe so I wouldn’t forget this amazing feeling.

I have thought about this all week trying to find meaning to my unconscious experience. I’m convinced that the mirror represented that Grant may not be physically here with me in the same way but he is with me. I looked up the meaning of mirror. Even though I know what one is I needed to find a deeper meaning to what I experienced. Mirror definition: A highly reflective Surface – Glass or polished metal, that reflects light without diffusing it so that it will give back a clear image of anything placed in front of it. My thought was: ANYTHING? I’m sure that some of my science geek friends could go deep into the whole understanding of a mirror but I think I will just believe what I want to believe.  I think God is okay with that… I like to think this message was this: Grant wasn’t in the room with me physically. I could see that he was not there in the room with me. I believe that the message was that he is a part of me… he is every bit of me when I look in the mirror; that just because I can’t see him in any other form than a reflection doesn’t mean he’s not always with me. I see him in reflections all around me… I see him in Steve, I see him in the girls.

As I gathered my thoughts and understanding this is the message I take: The rest of my life will be very much like a mirror, every direction I look, I will see a reflection of him. Kind of like the three-dimensional mirror. It doesn’t matter if I look up or down, left or right I will always see Grant’s unique expressions and the presence of him. I continue to learn from the kindness he had and the empathy he had for those who hurt. I don’t think Grant ever looked in the mirror and thought more of himself than others. Today, I learned to love myself a little bit more… to forgive myself just a little bit more…  to let go of a little bit more guilt… because the reflection in the mirror was him. My reflection was Grant.

Mama