Each person processes grief differently. We all seem to find our own unique way of getting through the days and months. Losing a child is something you never get over… it’s something, by no choice of your own, you’re forced to learn to somehow get through. The pain will always be there and the only way I can describe how it has changed over the past two years is that it has softened a bit.
Since losing Grant I have my own strange sort of relationship with him. It’s hard to accept that he’s gone. Having conversations in my head or out loud when I’m alone help me feel close to him and if being honest about the fact that I talk to the dead leads others to think I’m crazy or that believing in signs to be biblically incorrect?? well so be it I guess. I’m okay with that and I think God understands my heart.
I find that most of my signs from Grant make me laugh, just as he would want. For those that knew Grant you may have similar stories to mine. Grant was a tag along. He loved going anywhere someone else in the room was venturing off to especially a trip to Target. I guess it was the early learning that there was a chance I’d buy him something from very early on…. and I always did.
A recent sign that made my heart flutter was a pair of slippers that mysteriously appeared in my cart. There was nothing else in the cart but my purse so I know it was not a mistaken cart that I wandered off with. To me these slippers were a funny hello from Grant. Grant was always a bit mischievous. I guess we both were but Grant loved to humor himself and make others laugh in the end… even if only himself. I adore the memory of his up-to-something smirk which went everywhere with him.
Grant loved to embarrass me all in fun, he loved to tease, and above all he loved to make me laugh. I’m sure the girls could tell hundreds of their own stories too of their memories and that contagious laugh. One of our frequently shopped stores was Target. Grants humor in that well mapped out store explain the slippers in my cart. When Grant would see someone he knew, a neighbor lady or a friend’s mom, he would sneak around staying out of sight and toss things in their cart when they were turned away and just roll with laughter from a far. When they would finally noticed the random items in their cart he would dart back to me laughing that laugh that I so miss. I miss his contagious laugh. I miss the days of something in my shoe, a fish head behind my gas cap, the manikin’s head in the bed, scary things in the drawer. Grant may not have lived a long life but he gave me a life time of humor and fun to reminisce. These are the things I never want to forget about him… the never-ending funny humorous stories I could tell. So when the slippers were in my cart, an area of the store I never wandered by it was a reminder he still makes me smile, that he is always with me and to listen for the wise words that will forever ring in my ear reminding me that life should be fun, that he is okay and at peace and when days grow hard and I feel weak to listen for the message he is giving me. Grant is a part of who I am. He is the good part of who I am… He is and will forever be the better part of who I am yet to be. He would say Ma… just Let it Be.
I Love You Grantie.