The Tides

I can only imagine someday looking into the horizon and finding peace and understanding to the emptiness I feel in my heart.

I was listening to a youtube video of a mother expressing her journey of grief, how years after losing her son grief still comes to her in waves. I understood what she was saying completely.

I remember the last time I sat still in the sand; a few weeks before losing Grant, looking out into the blue water. I remember thinking this must be our tiny glimpse of heaven on earth.  It’s true that grief comes in waves… just when I feel some calm in my day a memory, the reality, the truth much like a wave comes barreling me over. Some days are easier than others for no particular reason. Sometimes I can genuinely laugh, have silly conversations with friends and then out of nowhere I feel angry, sad and bitter. It is very much like breathing in and out. Just when I feel some relief and exhaled the tide pulls me back in… but I won’t begrudge myself for wanting to be alone, slamming a door or crying in the middle of any given day and feeling like the world just sucks. It does pass and I do find clarity and balance once again for a moment. The moon always seems to pull back the tide of grief that just knocked me over allowing me to sort through my waves of fear and sadness.  Like a new horizon or the wonder of what tomorrow will bring; I don’t know what grief look like further down the road… I just keep walking.

I’m learning to know myself, I’m learning that it’s okay to be happy and yet I know when to crawl inside myself and just rest. There’s no expected time of the day or night grief hits me, it just does. It has no particular agenda. I’m learning grief in its own way is a gift; it’s my cry break, because trying to be normal for hours on end is exhausting. It’s a healing release; a sort of release to my sadness. Living my life without Grant; these three words simply say it all “I miss him”

I Love you Grantie,

mama

Tides are the rise and fall of sea levels caused by the combined effects of the gravitational forces exerted by the Moon and the Sun and the rotation of the Earth.

Sun… Happiness, laughter

Moon… Darkness

Both a part of life… sunshine and darkness… much like life… happiness, sadness… life continues….

mom

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