Finding the Courage

There was a time in my life that I thought in order to be a courageous person I needed to save a life, be some sort of hero, or be honored with a precious Medal of Honor.

Finding courage these past few years has been a daily struggle. Losing my child is something I’ll never get used to. Searching for peace is frightening and serenity is even more grueling because it means accepting the things I cannot change, and that challenges me daily. I am daily challenged, as I am sure we all are in our own way, to have the courage to change the things I can… and some days I just want to stay in the pit of grief.

Someone on the outside may think I’ve moved on, I go to work, I smile, I remain friendly and I focus on what needs to be done… for any parent the thought of losing a child is something unimaginable. A song would say “I can’t live without you” and yet the cruel truth is… you do have to. Or the quotes that make my skin crawl like “God doesn’t give you things you can’t handle…” Unfortunately EARTH does. God had no desire to hurt me.

For most of 2011 I couldn’t have imagined the unimaginable yet at the end of that same year I endure the most unimaginable pain on this earth.

For the first year I begged to wake up and for it to all have been a horrible dream. I pleaded with God to bring him back. I was so mad at God I couldn’t even pray anymore… not only had I lost my son I lost faith.

Someone once said in a bible study after losing our baby Christian… “you can be mad at God Kim…God can handle it…” Those words have been a reminder in my ear the days I cursed God for not saving my son. I’m sure Mary had a few words of her own as she watched her son die.

Holiday seasons came so quickly, another holiday season to get through. Losing Grant Dec 2011 is a blur. My favorite time of the year became my most dreaded season, yet I knew I had to find courage to get through another holiday. My girls deserved to enjoy the season and I so wanted to relish the glee in the eyes of my grandchildren.

Facing the truth, accepting that Grant will not be in my future takes courage, the courage to open my eyes to happiness, to laugh once again at my 7 little funny faces, to embrace a hug without wishing they were Grants arms. To have the courage to live in the present, allowing myself to love life for what I have today. I do have to live each day not looking back… not looking forward… just living today… having the courage to live one day at a time knowing that courage has nothing to do with facing my fears or being fearless but seeking my higher power for the strength to enjoy the moment. Seeking courage for whatever my fear may be isn’t about walking down this rugged road in hopes of reaching some sort of normal as it was, courage comes from living life, feeling heart ache and finding compassion for others knowing the taste of the saddest kind of tears.

I think we are born with courage. Courage must have been buried somewhere deep inside myself because as much as I preferred to stay numb the rest of my life I didn’t want to disappoint or sadden the others I deeply loved. I not only had to find strength for myself but for them. Don’t get me wrong… courage is like a yoyo still. I have my good days and I still have my many bad days, courage is the smile on my face that doesn’t match the hurt in my heart.

I’m scared… everyday I’m scared of life without Grant. I’m sad… but I still try to find happiness. I’m weak… But I still seek what strength I have.

I’m not alone…we all have our battle to fight… we all have our times of weakness. I have mine, Grant had his… some may see his earthly battle as weakness… but he fought his battle till the end. He never gave up. He had more courage than anyone I know.  No matter how bad a day may have been, no matter how sad he felt he always hid it behind a smile and pure kindness. He fought his earthly war as hard as he could and I know he is my strength to fight mine.

I Love you Grantie.

Mama

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