Joy

On December 3rd, 2011 I was robbed. Robbed of two significant things; Grant and joy. The loss of my brother was the very obvious loss; the one everyone else could physically see. He was gone and that was a fact. On the other hand, the joy factor was taken from me and it wasn’t so visible. It could have been the forced smile or laugh that fooled many, but I just couldn’t figure out how to bring joy back in my life. I was only 25 and I knew that Grant wouldn’t want me to live the next 50+ years joyless. I couldn’t and still can’t fight for the return of my brother, however I needed to find what joy felt again. This might be the little puzzle piece that people kept telling me that ‘time heals’. I still don’t believe three years later that any time healed the loss of Grant. I miss him more each day just as we love more each day. But maybe joy could return…

On October 9th, 2014 I finally felt what genuine true joy felt like as I was handed my daughter after impatiently waiting for her arrival on Earth. Grantleigh Grace filled my arms and heart with that joy. Grantleigh will never replace Grant, but she has taught me so much in her 7.5 weeks in my arms. I know her Uncle Grant helped me learn this too.

On Grantleigh’s 3rd day with us (mind you I hate the number 3) she had what was labeled a life threatening event by the emergency doctors. I’m not going to get into details as they hurt too deep, but it was the scariest moment next to losing Grant. I thought I was going to lose her too and I was so scared of being robbed not only of her, but the joy she brought to me.
They taught me never to take anything for granted. They put forth the importance of family above anything else. They instilled the deepest love imaginable.

As the holidays approach I can reflect on the lack of peace and joy we were suppose to feel. I was selfish and made it clear the last few years how much I hated the holidays. I despised Christmas music, hated the holiday lights and mostly hated Christmas shopping. All these things reminded me of the awful day I had to walk into Banana Republic and select Grant’s funeral attire. The hustle and bustle and joy in that damn music made me want to scream my head off. The thought of happy hallmark releases seemed like false hope of perfect endings and Santa making the most complicated wishes come true.

This year is the first that I’m not looking at those things. I’m remembering what the meaning of these holidays are… They are love. They are family. They are God. They are hope. They are joy. This year as hard as today the third year anniversary (remember I hate 3) is I am allowing myself this step… The step to allow myself to feel joy and celebrate family as I know he would want for me and Grantleigh. Grantleigh deserves a mom with a heart full of joy…

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Categories: Uncategorized | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Joy

  1. Mike Jones

    These are gorgeous words….real words.
    I hope your baby is healthy now and that Grant’s joyful heart is swelling along with you this Christmas.
    Thanks for sharing this thing called life from your perspective…from your heart.
    Merry Christmas!!
    Love,
    Mike Jones

  2. Sheila

    Beautiful! My you enjoy Grantleigh. Remember all your fund memories of Grant to bring you Peace. What a little sweet Grantleigh is. Hugs to you Karmin

  3. Carol

    What a beautiful gift God has given to you. You will never forget your brother but your baby will allow you many joyful years in the future. God bless you and your family, may this Christmas help to heal your pain.

  4. Kjersten

    What a beautiful note. Thanks for writing. I love to read about your families journey. It really does resonate with people and please don’t stop writing and telling the story. It is all part of the process. Blessings to all of you and please say hi to your mom. Joy to you this Christmas.

  5. Rilla

    It’s good to say it out … not to hide behind pretense. We are human. We love deeply … we hurt deeply. From the heights of happiness to the depths of despair … it’s good to share it, to feel it, to allow yourself the room to grieve in your own way. I am so glad the Lord has given you this little bundle of joy to fill your heart once again with His joy. Merry Christmas, dear.
    From Blind Lake,
    Rilla

  6. Teresa

    I am crying. This makes me more happy than I can say. This was beautiful. Enjoy your little daughter and enjoy her.

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