Dreaming

March 18th, 2015 –

My alarm did its daily 5:15 jingle. Most days I turn it off and just lay there for a few minute gathering my to-do thoughts for the day ahead of me. But this morning was different. I half knew I was dreaming but my dreaming thoughts lead me to think it was reality. And then I woke up to realizing it was just a dream. I don’t often dream of Grant and when I do it seems that in many of my dreams we are still fighting addiction and my thoughts are often that this a message that if he were still here this would still be an ongoing battle that Grant himself feared living with. For those whom have lost a loved one I know you know what a pleasure it is to dream of them. But I think for those who have lost deep and by that I mean a great love waking up can be more like grieving… because when it’s a good dream for a short time you felt the sort of physical presents you have so desperately been longing for… and you wake up to the loss all over again. You are left empty armed from an embrace that took you away for a short while. It’s bitter-sweet. It’s amazing to be in his presence, even if it is only a dream, but saddened when reality is back in our midst.

After my alarm went off this morning I must have drifted off into my Grant dream. In my dream I was told he was coming home. I was so confused but I was told there was a reason for him leaving earth for a while and it was hard to explain why he was back. I saw him in what felt like real life. He smiled and said he would meet me at home. I felt like the men around him were like his guards {like most dreams after waking – things don’t make sense.} I remember Grant getting into the back seat and leaving in a big white car; kind of like a station wagon, new and unlike any car I’d ever seen with 3 of the men. The car was going much faster than I could and at that moment in my dream I remembering thinking/knowing/questioning if this was just a dream. The house that I recognized as mine was not familiar to me when I woke up. But in the dream it was my house, from a distance I could see that white car in my driveway. I was screaming “Oh my God it’s not a dream. He’s home. He’s home.” I ran into the house where Grant sat with a smile. I remember five of his friends standing in shock in the room. I remember Grant saying in the voice I recognized as my baby boys “I wrote you all a letter asking you to meet me here and I’d explain why I’ve been gone…” And then I woke up. I laid there for a few minutes… much like I do every morning… reminding myself Grants gone. As I look at his photos on my dresser and embrace my reality… this morning… my heart hurt.

dreams

Last week Sarah called me so excited because she had her first Grant dream or sighting as I’d like to call it. She told me her story and I asked that she write it down so I could always have the memory. When you lose someone it’s hard to accept the fact that there will be no more memories made so for me… even if it’s only a dream it is a present moment I have spent with him. Her dream went something like this:

Chelsey and I were walking around downtown. I think it was a normal day, just like any other, but all of a sudden she grabbed my arm. She said with an excited voice “there is a guy on the bus that looks just like Grant!” We quickly caught a ride on a city bus where the seats faced the center of the bus. We were in the middle looking at a man who was looking down, as if he were reading a book. On a side note, there are many times in real life we see someone, whether it be across the worship area at church or driving down the road, who has an “if you squint your eyes tight” similarity to Grant’s appearance that can almost let us imagine we are in the same place. We know it’s not real but if just for a second we are able to feel his presence and pretend he is still here it gives our heart a little piece of happy, even if for just a second. In my dream we were trying not to stare this image of our bus boy was so real to us that we just wanted to suck up the moment before he moved and we realized we had just paid a bus fare for something that wasn’t reality. I can just close my eyes and see how vivid and real this dream was. As I sat there staring in my dream he picked up his head and looked in our direction and with the biggest smirk on his face he said “hi girls!” And it was him! It was him, my dreaming eyes were shocked! The rest of my dream has no detail of exacts but consisted of us talking and hugging and laughing as we drove around on this city bus. I was on cloud 9… and then my alarm went off. I even snoozed the alarm, knowing well I’d be late and scramming to get ready later, thinking I could go right back to where we were. It was amazing. It’s really incredible how a dream can let you truly forget the reality. How unimaginable things can happen and you have no sense of impossible.

🙂

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