Three years ago I never would have thought that a simple sunset would be on display just for me; that a colorful pink, blue and purple sky would become my hello from heaven, a tiny glimpse of heaven peeking thru just for me. My end of the day “hey mom, I’m all good.” I search for Grant any way I can… for some that may seem silly or ridiculous. If my son were missing on earth I would never stop searching. My boy is missing physically but I will never stop searching for his spirit. He is as present in my life as my every breath, unseen and unheard but very real. Grant is my good morning. He is my good night. He is my quiet conversations.
I now find a sort of peace in the beauty of our heaven and earth. Never before losing Grant did I think a bird chirping when I’d wake, a dime on the ground, or a cloud in the shape of an angel be his presence in my day. Call me silly or crazy but only those who have lost deep have faith that balloons somehow find their way to heaven or that loving words are heard when talking to the moon.
I write my thoughts and feeling as my own sort of healing but also in hope that others on this journey weeks, months or years behind me may feel less alone, that different is a “normal” way to feel and that conversations with the dead becomes companionship. Some may believe that my or similar behavior is a cry for therapy. I call it coping, a sort of way to manage a bit of the suffering. Before losing Grant I knew it was normal to grieve in the way of tears but never did I completely know or understand the depths of sadness… describing that would be a long chapter of its own that most would chose not to read.
This last week my heart has ached for a family and an entire community that is grieving the loss of an amazing young man. I’ve thought a lot about how family and friends were my strength in my darkest of days. I physically hurt knowing the agony this journey will bring them through.
When I heard the news on social networking I walked out of my office I think in a daze. I wasn’t grieving my loss in those moments. My heart was deeply pained for another family, a family I don’t really know yet still saddened by the tragic heart breaking news.
So many people in this same community reached out to me after losing Grant. There is something about growing up in a rural community that remains with you a life time; a place that no matter where you may go in life you still call home…. where trusting your neighbor, lending a hand whether in the fields at harvest or wiping the tears from a friend’s face comes natural. My roots grew deep in this community and because of that I am incredibly saddened for each and every one of them as they say good bye to such a loved young man. I pray for the strength of each and every one of them as they continue on this earth without their boy. May the love of this community carry them on their weakest of days.