Never would I have thought that the process of building a patio would be the stepping stones to healing… but in a way it is… Grant’s Place is our healing. I could relate the process of laying blocks on a patio to the way we face a lot of challenges in life, and still only a few blocks have been put into place. I wanted to share some pictures as we work away over the summer. I think that if Grant were here to do the talking and sharing of these moments and memories he would show them off to all of those that he loved “so summer… bring on the patio.” J
If there were one last moment I could be granted in my life… it would be to see Grant’s face, hear his screaming excitement seeing what his family and friends built in his honor. I know he’s peeking through the golden gate checking it out… but I just wish I could see…. I know he is beaming from heaven so proud and humbled by the people who love him.
Even though I am learning to live a new normal, I’m not sure if grief will ever lessen enough to look it straight in the eye. No amount of time will bring my son back and as hard as I work on living again, a part of who I am may always feel “Completely Incomplete.” I don’t know if that’s the correct way to phrase it but words are hard to find when trying to sort and understand healing.
Coming to terms with the past 3 1/2 years has been hard. I don’t even know if that is the right word to describe the agony, many days I felt hurt by laughter and felt enormous guilt for feeling any sort of joy. For a long time I lived and managed to somehow function in a thick fog only few could recognize yet I wanted to bravely go forward.
It is days like last Monday photographing little Amari that I see a glimpse of purpose in the world. Moments of feeling grateful instead of thankless, reminding myself that being Grant’s mom didn’t end the day he died. I can still hear what he would add to a conversation, I’m still reminded of his embarrassment when I do my little jig. I can still feel his presence overcome me. Because he is forever “every bit a part of me.” There are days I question if I love myself enough to find happiness, always reminding myself, I love Grant enough to search for it and embrace the precious moments when I feel it.
The process of each and every step comes in its own time. From the day Grant left this earth I took each day in baby steps, no huge leaps, I’ve processed it slow as hard as days would be, but still forward.
One might question the timing of returning to what I guess most would call life. I struggled with that for the first month after losing Grant. Each hour, each day, each week felt different. First week??? Nothing mattered and as much as I wanted to just quit life all together I loved my girls and Steve enough to somehow look for the light.
Going back to work was a huge part of my healing. I know for some that may not be the case or the support when returning to work for other may be less. I may not have recognized that at the time but I do now. I had something other than sadness to distract me. Was it hard? Yes. It felt like torture some days. Many days I flooded my key board with tears. Something about my job when returning brought me back to a place that hurt me to the core, but every step is hard. I was lucky enough to have a door to close, my co-workers cared for me and allowed me to talk and cry, whatever it took to get through another day. As the months passed they supported me in ways they maybe never realized but for most they just listened and found patience in my healing process as I slowly learned how to walk hand in hand with happiness and sadness.
Grants Place was the beginning of my healing. Our family worked tirelessly to build Grants dream and the excitement of every step of the project has been my relief, my purpose, my mothering.
I know that in my heart Grant and I are still together. I feel his presence throughout every day…. By allowing Grants soul to live through me he is always present. He is right next to me, always by my side walking me through this journey. I am never alone…
I love you Grantie.