Where did the summer go? I feel like it was such a short time ago that I spent the week up at Grants Place and yet at the same time so many things have transpired over the past few months. Things I’m feeling very sad and sort of mystified about. Life sure gets me thinking. Life, death, living… I guess living is the “what we do between the two” and there’s not a lot of thought sometimes about how well we’re doing that. Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. I know that all too well. Losing Grant was devastating; unimaginable and left me completely empty.
I’ve thought a lot about whether I would or would not want to know my final days… would I love and live differently each day if I did? The fears of saying good bye would be heart wrenching and yet I wouldn’t want to leave earth without living or saying all the things I should have but maybe if I lived like I should I wouldn’t have regrets. I don’t remember my final words to Grant December 2nd but I will forever remember and hear his soft “I love you mom.”
I think when losing a loved one unexpectedly you become more in tune to today. By no means do I live each day as I should, but I’m more in tune and honest with myself about how I could improve, not only for myself but for others.
This has been on my mind day and night these past few months. My father is in stage 4 of the wicked cancer Mesothelioma. At first I think I just thought like I did with addiction: find the best doctors and fix it… and then the hard knock of reality hit me once again… I can’t fix it. I couldn’t fix addiction and I can’t fix cancer, their days on earth, or my days on earth. I’m not in control of death. I’m only in control of living and how I live.
I’ve thought of the words and places I would have wanted to say and see if I had known I wouldn’t have had a life time on earth with Grant. While I will always wonder about the what- ifs in my past…. I can live and love better today.
I am blessed with the opportunity to have time with my dad, to say the things I want to say, to listen to the stories I want to remember, to laugh with the man that tells the funniest stories… a good man…
I’ve attended several funerals over the past few years after losing Grant. I’ve listened to the stories people share about the great person lost and I have always wondered if the thoughtful words they spoke were ever shared with that person before they were gone, that maybe, just maybe, really living today like it’s our last would be sharing your heart every day and lifting people up by our words and kindness.
Living, is telling my Dad because I have him today that “I love you Dad. You are the funniest guy I know. Your great stories, your honesty, your love of life will forever live in me. When I look into your eyes I still see my blue eyed boy. You’ve always wanted the best for me even when I’ve expected less. You have a gentle heart and the gift of wisdom. You make me laugh when I’m sad and redirect me when I’m mad. You’ve been by my side on the happiest of days and your arms were always open on my saddest. You are and will forever be an amazing man and father. I am blessed to have each and every day on earth with you. Today we are living… I love you Pops.”