Writing things down in a tablet, my documents, or even some random scrap of paper is a way to express my racing thoughts and find some clarity to my scattered emotions. I’ve always jotted down my thoughts in some sort of way whether it be a to-do list, bucket list, or even writing down how mad I am about something before I say it. Sometimes it is my odd way I guess for thinking through what I’m suggesting or for-warning myself to bite my tongue before I’m forced to swallow words I may regret.
In this blog I may repeat myself some days, take two steps forward, and another a huge leap back… feel happy, moving forward… just to find myself back at day one. And even on those days I feel like I am back in the rut I know I continue to move forward, looking at things more positively. That hasn’t happened without the love and support from my family and friends; they are the ones who have had patience with me on the bad days and celebrated with me on the good.
My life was blessed with Grant; for 23 earthly years. I am who I am today because of who he was. I’m a better person for the compassion, understanding, and empathy I now recognize more in me over the past 3 years than I did in the 47 years I lived before losing my boy.
I wish I could celebrate life with Grant. I wish I had my dance. I wish I could watch his children grow. I wish I could see all the dreams come true that I know he wished for himself. As deep as I grieve that these moments will never happen in my life they’ve become what I’m learning to recognize as the “important thing”… in the lives of my girls.
When tragically losing a loved one out of the natural order of death you change… no parent ever “gets over” or just “moves on” in the same way after the death of a child. Saying “everything happens for a reason” is possibly the quickest way to get my blood boiling. There is no reason good enough in all heaven and earth that my son is buried while my feet continue to walk this earth. I just miss him and no matter how well I know that I’ll see him again, no matter how deep my faith is in God, heaven and everlasting life the reality remains that on this side of eternity my boy will never be… I will never have my mother-son dance. There will never be a mini Grant to carry on the family name and as hard as it is for me to write and re-read these words it is my reality. However, as much as my heart aches that I’ve been robbed of his future I have to focus on finding room in my heart for the joy my three girls bring to my life.
Weeks back I was making dinner with my father; cooking for friends and family is a passion of his. I will forever be reminded of his insightful words that afternoon. I don’t remember how the conversation started but I do remember the gentle words he spoke that were intended for me to think about and remember. I told him that I felt a sort of jealousy that he may be with my boy before me. I spoke how I miss Grant so much, that still, some days I’m consumed with ache for him. My Dad looked up from the cutting board and said… Kimmy, Grant is happy. He has everything. He is in the most beautiful, peaceful place and he wouldn’t want you to be sad all the time… He doesn’t need you anymore. Grant is in paradise and you need to know that. Your girls, they are the ones that need you, your grandkids… they are the ones that will look to you for wisdom. This world is hard Kimmy and your family needs you. My father’s beautiful blue eyes spoke every word into mine… the words my father spoke that afternoon were a gift, they may be the greatest gift I can give back to myself every day.
A while back another grieving mother asked me “Kim, when does the pain begin to lessen?” At the time I didn’t know if I had that answer; I still believe for each person it’s in their own time. The greater the love the longer and deeper the hurt but my Dad words of wisdom gave me a sort of permission for the first time to let go of the regrets and learn to live my life as intended. Grant will forever own a piece of my heart but he’s okay, and he’s happy. I’ve learned that I need to learn to enjoy life again, that I’m still here on earth to serve a purpose.
I love you Grantie,
Gods faithful promise: “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (Revelation 21:4)