Year five, feels like its spinning away. I’m five years past the first-year dreads. My thoughts were the second and third years would begin to soften the significant days… and here I am five and a half years later still overwhelmed that he’s missing. There’s a hole in my heart, an emptiness I can’t seem to fill. I guess I’ll call it Grant’s space.
This past Mother’s Day the girls and their families gifted me a wood swing for Grants Place; the exact swing we shared with Tracy for ten years or more. Our soul swing… placed between our homes as a shared Mother’s Day gift years ago, it was a place we shared our parenting stories, gardening thoughts, marital heart breaks, joys and fears. Over the years Mother Nature had taken a toll on our special swing and last year we knew there were no more wiring it back together, it was time to remove it. One would think I’d be happy to remove the rotting, mossed-over, creaking, eye-sore, but I wasn’t.
I think when you lose deeply so much of the past comes back in huge waves and one finds themselves spinning back in time to remembered places and conversations. That old swing knew many secrets. That swing held many heavy hearts. It was a place of soul-searching, a place you would often find my friend and I. Remembered most on that swing were the conversations I had with Grant; laughs, light-hearted conversations and many times deep heartache.
Months after Grant’s passing the breeze of spring arrived and soul swing took on a new heavier load than ever before… grief. It was a place many evenings you’d find me, and most days my friend did. Soul swing didn’t hear much laughter from us that summer, the rickety rotting wood mostly felt the dropping of tears and heaviest of hearts. Swinging would have taken energy I didn’t have, so most of the time soul swing would remain still til my friend would find me between the trees and the strength of her foot and heart would rock us both.
The memories made in that old swing will be remembered forever in my heart and letting go of the rickedy old soul that cradled my soul over the years was hard. That swing was my favorite place to be. I want to thank the girls for the thoughtful gift they gave, it’s more than a comfortable gift… It’s a place I can close my eyes, feel the breeze on my face and remember its place. I can sit, remember my boy and swing in the glory of new memories yet to be made.
I miss you Grantie,
If I could wish one dream… it would be to see his face, hear his voice driving up to Grant’s Place… I’ve come to the realization it would never be physically possible but I wish for these moments in a dream anyways.