Our Birthday Boy

I can’t sing so writing my feelings in a song would ring silly… So my best form of words is though journaling. The girls and Grant are my yesterdays. I never thought I’d have a tomorrow without one of them. It still feels unimaginable that I’d live one day without one of them. I think back at the 23 Birthdays I spent with Grant and I wonder if he knew really, really knew how much I loved him. He seemed to think he was my favorite, with a wink, he would remind me daily. If he was I think the girls would know why; because they would all say the same and understand why. He had a way of touching your heart. Grant may have not had the chance to do, see or hear all the things the rest of us have the privilege to do, but he left this Earth not letting a day go by without his famous “Love ya” Pop’s, Ma, Sara bear, Chel bell, Karm barm. He loved us on the easy days and even more on the hard days. Not one of us could have ever imagined the loneliness without him in our world; we all make the mistake thinking we have miles and miles of time ahead.

Our boy, our beautiful boy… The day Steve and I meet our beautiful boy we were so surprised to meet a BOY. I think after 3 little ladies we just thought we were a Y family, but that X made his way into the world. From day one he was the favorite sibling to each one of our girls and stole the hearts of every girl who walked through the door. I think Grant learned the too do’s and not to-do when in the presence of the ladies after 100’s of hours of playing Barbie’s. The only way Duke ,the Gi Jo, was allowed in the Barbie club was to treat Barbie Like a gentleman. Understanding that Duke’s camo jeep stayed away from the pink RV and that his house was the brown box down the carpet road from the 3 story pink mansion. The GIRL’S were his everything, his best of friends, his second, third and fourth mom’s. The ones he trusted with his dreams as well as his fears.

25 years ago God gave me you. 23 years that felt full, joyful, warm, and safe. I am trying so hard to find understanding and peace with being robbed of you because most days I just feel angry. I see all the amazing things in life happening; stages, babies, weddings all the things I wish for you. All the things I thought I would celebrate with you. Celebrating your birthday will forever be as important to me as the day you were born. For every birthday wish I ever have I know it won’t come true. I just want the little things… I want to sit by you again, I want to hear you laugh, watch you dance, chase the kids. I just want to hold you in my arms one more time. My wish for your Birthday on Monday, July 8th is to find myself in the midst of YOU beyond the music; beyond the noise. Maybe in the quiet I’ll for even just one moment hear your voice.
I Love you and miss you deeper than my soul.
Mama